Unspoken

Sorry for all the emotional art lately. I just need to type things down and put them in sentences. Apart from that, I'm not unhappy with how the picture turned out.

I suppose it'd be useless to hide what this is about, so I'm just going to write it all down. I've said most of it before in bits and pieces, but... here we go again.

I've been a member of the Chiro, a Belgian youth movement for 12 years now, exactly. Just like school, the group you're in depends on your age. You stay in each group for two years. I'm a special case since I stayed in one group for 3 years. But that is actually irrelevant to my situation so I have no idea why I'm typing this.

Some years were great, some I did enjoy, some I didn't quite like that much. This was sadly one of those years. There are multiple reasons, but let's start with the main one: The activities. I come to the Chiro because of the typical activities: The games, working together, being away from home for a few hours. Doing fun things, going to places by bike.

But this year, things were... different. We only had 6 members and 2 leaders in our group, so that opens doors to completely different activities: Doing everything by car, going to a lot of pubs, partying, staying inside a lot. Things the other five loved. I, not so much. I have completely different interests, but in a usual Chiro group it isn't that obvious, and when it is, it doesn't matter because partying and Chiro are still two things. But when they become one...

I didn't go to parties like the others did. They went in group, and I stayed home, usually not even knowing there was a party. They became better friends, I became an outcast. And when we did go to parties and events while at the Chiro, I couldn't stay as long and generally didn't enjoy it as much. It never brought me closer to the group, while they did get close to each other. That's one reason.

Secondly, our group consists of 4 girls and 2 boys (not counting our leaders who are both male as well). Those three other girls go to the same school, so they are naturally closer to each other and have more to talk about. The boys are naturally close, too. So once again I'm the outcast who can never really talk along.

During the previous years it never seemed to matter much, but this year it suddenly became more obvious. And our leaders are... not the most responsible types. They give us a lot of freedom, which is nice and all, but somehow I just don't fit into the atmosphere like the others do. I can't defend myself against their jokes. And while I know they are joking, sometimes it feels like they are trying to go a little farther than a joke. Like they do it to entertain themselves, using my inability to respond properly. First it was only those two being that way, but the members slowly grew into that too, and it kind of scares me. We used to be equals, but now it feels like I'm the group's fool sometimes? The lower one. It makes me feel highly uncomfortable and lately, I'm constantly nervous when I'm with them because of what they might do. Even when it's never really something unacceptable. It just makes me feel scared when I'm in such a situation and the whole group plays along against me.

And I feel like my reactions only make it worse sometimes.
For example, when they ask me to do something, I'm never sure if it was meant as a joke or not, so usually I just don't react. And then another member of the group sighs and does it, and I feel stupid for not doing it. They must think I'm lazy, selfish or just plain stupid. Or all three at once.

And sometimes I want to do the things they order me to do, but I can't. Because I'm not physically strong enough, because I'm unsure about what to do and how, or because it simply isn't possible for me to do for any reason. Like anything involving that damned liquid known as alcohol. I used to be neutral on it before this year, but now I freaking despise it with all my heart. It's almost like they need to take every single opportunity they can get to force it down my throat. "And EVERYONE is going to drink ALL of this. You too, Bienie." With that stupid smirk on their faces. Today, too. Again. I tried. I don't want to let the group down, but I can't. It makes me feel horrible, it tastes horrible, I hate it so much and yet they keep forcing me to. Ugh. I eventually just broke down crying, which doesn't help the group's mood. Loser. Some of us don't like beer either, but we do our best. How weak can you be? They don't say it, but I know them and the way they talk about people in multiple situations. They can't possibly not think it. I feel it when they look at me. The surpressed annoyed expressions, the muttered "It wasn't even that bad though".

Same with the marble we were supposed to swallow. After I choked on it, the other leaders of our Chiro were enraged at our leaders. Irresponsible, they said. But those two are angry about it, because they don't feel that way. After all, the others did manage to swallow it. And those members just defend them. "She could just refuse, too" they added.
Oh? I could? Funny, because the very second before the thing got stuck in my throat they were being annoyed at me because I hadn't swallowed it yet. How much of a choice do you have when you're under that kind of pressure? I wasn't popular in the group at that moment, failing the task would've resulted in worse things. Had I refused, they would've blamed me for months. And I didn't even do it to benefit myself! The punishment for failing at least one task was "no beer at the final evening of camp" and I don't drink. We failed anyway, and not just because I couldn't get that little glass ball down my throat.

I know they talk about me when I'm not there. It scares me. It feels so hostile, especially when you can vaguely hear them mutter and you can't hear anything but your own name. Or when you talk to members of other groups and hear them repeat things they said about you - things that are true, but with an intonation that makes you look bad. Or just plain lies that sound like they were made up to make fun of you. Yet they'd deny it if you asked if they ever said that. Backstabbers.

My only "contribution" to the group seems to be entertainment - not because I tell funny jokes or pull funny faces, but because of things I'm incapable of doing. Apparently it's hilarious to watch me struggle with words or my own physical problems. Sometimes it seems more of a joke than an effort to bring me down, but sometimes... My school friends did that too, but at least I was a friend of them and they treated me as one. But here...

I don't know. Maybe I'm just imagining things, but it just feels so hostile sometimes, and it makes me nervous and scared. There's only one Sunday left with this group, but I'd do anything to skip it. I know my mom wouldn't understand. She'd say it's joking and I should stand up for myself. Maybe she's right, but it makes me feel bad and I don't know how to respond to any of this.
I wonder if my group members will keep up these things next year, and if they do, will the new group members adapt their behaviour? If they do, my last year as a Chiro member is bound to be another bad one.