Random rant: When someone loses someone else

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Vuurstern
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Sorry for the weird title, this was the best fitting title I could find. Welp.
I can't sleep yet, and my thoughts are causing a mess in my head. So I'm just going to write some stuff out, because it's another thing I see often, and, unoriginal as I am, I write about things I see often.

And one of those things I see is, when someone loses someone else (left dA, died, ended the friendship, broke up with them, etc.) that a lot of people, even though they mean well, are being hurtful without knowing it. For example, it's okay to say that you're there for them to talk to, that you're sorry, that you support them, that you know that feeling too, etc. That's all fine.

What isn't fine, is when you ask what happened in a very intrusive manner, when you say that the person will come back or that they will get over it, or tell your opinion on what they did (for example, someone committed suicide and there's always that one person who has to mention that they find it selfish).

Why would these not be okay, at least in my opinion?

First of all, you have to realise that you're not talking to someone in their usual state of mind. You're talking to someone who is hurt. In other words, rational arguments may not always be the wisest option here - reason and emotion don't always go hand in hand.

When you ask what happened, that's fine if you're a friend of that person, if the state they want to talk about it, or that they want to explain what happened in private. But whatever happened, note them and don't go comment about it on their page. When you just ask it like that, in public, it feels very intrusive, especially if it's a sensitive matter. Another thing, ask politely. Be careful with how you make your message look: if you write "WHAT HAPPENED????????!!!!!" then that can be seen as invasive and rude too, while "Hey, I saw this and this, and I was worried about you. Do you want to talk about it, is there anything I can do for you?" is a lot softer and is more likely to make the other person feel better. Or at least, has a higher chance of not worsening the other person's mood. Also, do not take it personally if they give a short reply or don't reply at all. They are not in their usual state of mind. It's not you, they just feel terrible and might not want to talk. If so, give them some space. Be there for them, but don't push them to tell it anyway. That's the best you can do as a friend.
Really, I often see people comment these "WHAT HAPPENED WITH ___" "WHY ISN'T ___ ON YOUR PAGE ANYMORE" things on pages when couples break up, and let me tell you, if something would happen between me and Griwi and people would spam my page with that, I would snap. You're reminding them of a situation that caused them a lot of pain. That, and they don't owe you the story. They don't have to satisfy your curiousity. Besides, if someone suddenly isn't on their page anymore, it's an obvious sign that something serious happened and that's all you need to know. There's no need to point out the obvious and make it more painful to the person.

"They will come back" when a friendship or relationship ends is very often meant well, but it may not be the best thing to say. Chances are that the person is hoping they will come back, yet trying to cope with the loss at the same time, so those comments won't help. Hoping for someone to come back yet trying to accept they are gone is extremely hard, and if you feed that hope it might be even harder for them when they find the other won't come back. You also don't know what happened, there might have been a bad fight, or perhaps they ended it because of a good reason. If you dislike someone after they did terrible things to you "you will get back together" is the last thing you want to hear.
"You'll get over it" is another thing - yes, chances are they will feel better, eventually. But when someone dies, it feels like the pain will never fade away, and telling them to get over it is the least useful thing you can do. Everyone mourns at their own pace. The sadness never truly disappears, but you have to give them time to be okay again. Once more, just be there for them. Also "buy a new one" when someone's pet dies isn't the best thing to say either. Let them mourn for their lost pet first, then they can see if they want a new one. Maybe for you buying a new pet was the best way to cope with the loss of the old one, but others might end up having resentment towards the new pet because it is too different from the old one and they cannot get attached to it.

As for giving someone your opinion on for example suicide when someone killed themselves... don't. There is a time and a place for everything. A place full of grieving people is not the place to announce you think suicide is selfish. Every time someone kills themselves I see at least one person commenting that kind of thing, but you have to see that you're causing more harm than good when you do this. People won't become educated or agree with you, they will be hurt because you seem to be attacking someone they loved who is now gone. Yes, you can have your opinions, but please, please, don't post them on a journal about someone killing themselves or on the page of a dead person. You won't reach anything but hurt reactions with this.

I hope this made some sense, I wanted to get this out of my system. But feel free to tell me your opinions on this, too.

Whee
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Hawkieface's avatar
I'm so sorry, I feel that I've said at least one or two of these things to you at some stage :c who knows how many others??
So beautifully written -- thankyou Bienie for sharing. I'll try my hardest not to react the way I'm sure I have before.